St James park, too many geese

Day six. The poultry have taken over. Geese everywhere. Send help.

St James Park, goose

St James Park, scary goose

St James Park, white goose

St James Park, geese

St James Park, scary geese

They’re after me. With those psycho eyes. Don’t think they’d hesitate before peck your face off.

But that’s why we have squirrels, to keep everything cute and in check.

St James Park, squirrel

St James’ Park is the Western Springs of London but with a palace at one end and the millennium death wheel at the other.

St James Park, trees and pond

St James Park, exterior view of palace

I chose a public bathroom in park for some variety, but also to make a definitive point; they can’t all be winners. Just like children, every post is not a delicate and special snowflake. Sometimes they are just a bit bland and homely.

These bathrooms were everything you expect a public toilet in a busy park to be, but perhaps a bit less”cottagey”.

St James Park, exterior walk way, women's

They are subtly hidden behind a thicket of trees which is quite nice for the look of the park but perhaps not great for safety.

St James Park, exterior signage

St James Park, exterior

On entering the women’s bathroom I was a little surprised to see that the custodian, rather than a sweet older lady as most are, was a tall African dude. He had taken up residence in the baby changing room to lean and play with his phone. I’m not super sure that would be a good look should a young mother require the facilities. I know I’d be a might too anxious to say “Excuse me, but could you please get the fuck out of the women’s bathroom so I can change my child in peace without having to listen to you play endless terrible YouTube videos from the tinny speakers on your phone.”

St James Park, exterior entrance

You have to pay to get in of course but I am reticent to believe that this bathroom is worth the 20p I paid.

St James Park, exterior change machine

St James Park, interior stalls

St James Park, interior toilet

St James Park, toilet interior window

St James Park, toilet lock

St James Park, interior sinks

St James Park, interior water fountain

St James Park, interior roof windows

St James Park, interior doorway

Everything inside is broken, stained or dirty. Even if the interior had been maintained, none of the fragments of plumbery went together. It’s a mish-mash of left overs and cracked tiles. The whole building neededs refurbishment, perhaps with the help of a cleansing fire.

St James Park, exterior of toilet


Cleanliness :  4/10  It didn’t smell like piss, but that was about the only good thing. Everything inside needed cleaning/burning but it looked like the attendant had not intention of getting to work at any point that week.

Interior : 5/10  There were a number of stalls, possibly 7 or 8 so at least this loo has quantity on it’s side. There was handwash and a water fountain and theoretically somewhere to change a baby thought it was otherwise occupied.

Exterior : 7/10  St James’ Park is gorgeous, I really do enjoy it. But the park is large and only has two sets of toilets which just seems a bit stingy. With so many parks in London you’d think they’d try a little harder or know how to do it better but along with so many organisational things in England, they just don’t. Still, the squirrels are very friendly and will eat out of your hand. If you’re lucky you might see a pelican eat a pigeon. I’m not fucking kidding. Look that shit up on YouTube.

Safety : 4/10 Even during they day I felt like I could be mugged in or near this bathroom. It had a sketchy entrance with hidden side passages and wooded over-growth which just screams “RUN LITTLE GIRL!!!” like the idiot in a scary movie who walks into the pitch black basement with no torch just to see what that noise was.

Snugglitude : 3/10  I struggle to find anything snuggly about this one. The bathroom had no real good points beyond it’s basic existence, but the view from the front door is lovely and our new Over Lords, The Geese seem very reasonable.

Total : 23/50

St James Park, six geese a'standing

I manged to find six of them in a row, but they were a’standing not a’laying so no Christmas miracle today.



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