What could be better than drinking an expertly mixed negroni*, on a wind swept balcony, at 1pm on a Saturday afternoon? Perhaps watching a beloved friend marry her sweetheart in a Tudor style manor house? Or having your bum hole dried by a little blow drier in a posh hotel room?
How about all three, on the same day.
I could wank on in a display of florid language about the day; the gorgeous bride, the massive cake of cheese, and the roast pig on a spit buns at served at 10pm just as when everyone was starting to flag, but that isn’t why this blog is here, is it. Emma did, in fact, look like a tiny angel, and pork before bed is never a bad thing, but the highlight of this wedding for me was my first experience of a Japanese style robot toilet.
A toilet so fancy, it cautions you to read the full instruction booklet BEFORE using it. You really have to wonder how many times that has happened in the history of robot toilets. It would be a painful wait filled with much jiggling and crossing of your legs in the hope you didn’t wet yourself before you are well informed enough to mount the bowl and experience the future.
This is the future.
I will admit that by the time I was invited up to the Maid of Honour’s room to drink illicit whiskey and try out their super toilet, I may have been a little intoxicated. So I did not read any of the instructions, which lead to my pushing buttons at random and hoping for the best.
In classic slap-stick fashion, I pushed the Kids button and somehow managed to shoot a 3 metre stream of water across the room, soaking the floor and walls. The pulsing jet of toilet water continued for far longer than I would have thought required for a small humans bum cleansing needs. Due to my minor alcohol induced state, rather than doing much about the jet of water soaking the towels, curtains and floor I just sat to the side and laughed so hard I nearly pissed my pants.
In the next room, my friends heard me squealing, and after yelling through the shut door, came bowling in to help. Even with the lid closed the water stream was so strong it just squirted out the sides of the seat and puddled on the floor at my feet. Best first toilet experience ever.
There were so many different options for causing havoc and general under-carriage care.
After we “fixed” the fountain of toilet water (read: stood and laughed until it stopped because it’s a hotel room and you pay for the privileged of not cleaning the bathroom) I stopped taking photos and actually tried out one of the functions in the manner to which it was intended. I chose dry as it seemed like a safer option while merry and wearing a long light coloured floaty dress, which would not have looked quite as classy covered in toilet water when we rejoined the rest of the party down stairs.
There is a special kind of confused wonder in life reserved for anything non-sexual that gets done to or at your lady region; half ponderously pleasant, half alien autopsy. I giggled so hard while on the robot loo, that the others thought I had caused another flood.
If I had more time and less drunkness I would love to really go to town playing with this thing; nozzle position, water temperature, massage…. it has it all!
It even had a phone within arms reach in case you got settled in and decided to order pizza.
I’m not sure this really warrants a rating. The bathroom should be clean and perfectly stocked due to the price and poshness of the hotel (it was so fancy and gorgeous http://www.lauraashleyhotels.com/en/themanorelstree/default.html ).
I will say that the snugglitude of this loo was through the roof, and not just because of the hilarity it caused.
*For those who are unaware, a Negroni is a kickass cocktail made from stirring equal parts Campari, Martini Rosso or any red vermouth and gin, over ice. Served with a slice of orange. If you don’t like the super Italian bitter orange taste then don’t try it, pussy.