Do you need to find a place to smoke some crack?
Or perhaps you are still really very drunk from the night before and want to vomit, but since you are a classy chap/chapette you would prefer to do it in a toilet rather than in the gutter?
Ever felt the need to relive the quintessential toilet scene from Trainspotting?
Do not fear because I have found just the grungy shit hole for you! The bathroom at the Mobil ‘On the run[s]’station on the corner of Ponsonby, Great North and K Roads may have never been cleaned. Perhaps it was conceived with a thin layer of dirt, dust and semen to make the clientèle feel more at home. Just imagine what you’d discover if you took a CSI style black light in one of their hallowed cubicles. Perhaps there would be some much human excretion that you’d be blinded instantly by the iridescent glowing stains.
Unfortunately I have used this loo more times that I’d like to remember. Due to it’s location just off the North Western motorway which I use on route to work every day and because it always has available parking, it is often the best of a bad lot when my guts are angry, I’m feeling sick or trying to calm a panic attack. It is not, by any stretch of the imagination, a place I would want to hang out unless I REALLY needed to. I would honestly prefer to shit behind a tree in the woods, but as very few secluded woodland trails exist in that part of town (please don’t say ‘what about Western Park?’ because honestly even during the day I feel like I might get raped walking through there) I frequently settle for this place.
Other than location and parking this bathroom fails on every front. It lacks any and every requirement of a positive bathroom experience. Every time I use it I feel I am degrading myself, even in a state of intoxication.
The bathroom cubicles are always dirty. I often thought that was just due to their being abused by drunks each night but these pictures were taken at 9.30am on a week day. The idea of a proper deep clean seems to have missed the caretakers of this loo on every level.
Even the toilet bowl was not exempt. Someone had given it a cursory brush but no real attempt to clean it had been made.
The rubbish had been recently emptied so someone had been in with the intention of cleaning but my guess is that they just sat down on the loo to text a litany of drug clients rather than clean the bathroom at all. Notice the latex glove in the bin? I did, and it made me feel worse. Somehow even dirtier.
Most of the appliances are broken at one time or appear to have never been fixed properly. Even the door speaks of the stations belief that the bathroom will not make it through the day un-aided.
Add to all this the following experience; a few years ago during a drunken stumble home I purchased and consumed a butter chicken pie from this multitudinal emporium only to have it come back to haunt my bowels a handful of hours later. Death pie made me very sad in my food-poisoning gland.
Cleanliness : 1/10 There was no physical shit on the walls, for that at least that I can be grateful.
Interior : 3/10 It offers the general mod-cons but beyond that nothing. The lock was working this time so I was glad of it.
Exterior : 8/10 The only time this loo wins points. The parking, the disinterested staff and the location near the off ramp and many places I may need to go.
Safety : 5/10 At night this is your safest option for peeing on the long stumble home but many point removed for death pie causing internal misery and the likelihood that you could, would or are likely to catch Hep A or B from touching the surfaces in there.
Snugglitude : 1/10 Nope. Just nope.
Total : 18/50