Sunday 5th July – 2.18pm At the start of this process I would never have thought I would be here 4 or more months later still struggling to get my medication sorted. I guess had I know that I may have thought twice about changing. I’m not trying to put anyone off as I genuinely believe this change will be the best for me in the future but the path has not been easy. I have suffered with more side effects than I had ever experienced with previous medication changes or alterations. I think part of that is because my body has never come across an SNRI before (I have always been on some kind of SSRI when choosing to medicate, since I was first prescribed something for my anxiety, depression and self harm at age 18) but I think this journey has also brought up a fuck ton of other medical shit for me that until now I had just been copimg with rather than actively working to remedy. My IBS has been off the charts for months now causing all kinds of nasty symptoms including cramps, pain, bloating, weight gain, violent spells of vomiting, not to mention all the number two stuff I will avoid getting into for the delicate eye holes of those who may be reading this thing. The best advice has not come from the cavalcade of doctors and specialists we have paid a hefty amount to advise me. It has come from friends, and people who have suffered with the same issues. They have told me what has helped them personally, a resource that has been invaluable over the past few months. I guess what I’m saying is that even if I feel most days as thought my blog is of no real help to anyone, that I fear I am talking into the vacuum like, black hole that is the internet, that I am only really reaching the close friends of mine who are kind enough to patronize my attempts of witty writing banter, if one other person is unsure about what they are experiencing and comes across my blog when they are in need of some patient information then I feel that this is a valid use of my time. Don’t get me wrong I want more than anything to be writing best selling books about this shit, possible about actual shit, but my experience has told me the best advice is advice from someone who has been through it already. This is even more valid when dealing with conditions like IBS and anxiety about which the medical profession know a disturbingly small amount. And thus my medication journey will continue, like a prospectors long journey to gold country but with less syphilis and better dental health. I have successfully changed from a capsule to a pill form, which sounds like an insignificant detail but when dealing with comorbid disorders which fight each other at every turn, discovering that the gel cap is making you feel nauseated for hours every morning and finding a way to remedy that is a huge win for my life and general enjoyment of existence. My hopefully final journey on this Star Trek esk, when will it ever fucking end continuation of sequels is to work out the most effective dosage for my SNRI’s. I started on 37.5mg and dosed up to my current 75mg but while I have found that my ability to differentiate between the anxiety thoughts and my own “Lucy” thoughts is back in order on this dosage, my body isn’t behaving so well. My anxiety causes me to endure a variety of physical ailments which are the side effect of my psychological goings on. Lately, the moment a stressor is introduced my body has been going totally fucking haywire with heart palpitations, indigestion and crazy catastrophizing which makes my head hurt, feel nauseated and spinny. A normal conversation including a slight disagreement, a meeting with a manager or dealing with someone who is a bit vague and hard to pin down is causing my body to (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ (table flip for those who don’t speak internet) and spaz out for the rest of the day or week. I am used to a certain amount of physical symptoms when it comes to my anxiety for example; I tire very easily (if I get less than 8 hours sleep I am literally a waste of a human skin sack) I get nauseated for seemingly no reason, I suffer from migraines when tired, dehydrated or over exerted and if I get really nervous I have to shit, like a million times, plus so many more wonders. Pretty much anxiety isn’t just in your mind, it is all over your body like some kind of bubonic rash whenever you need it not to be. So I am hoping an increase in my SNRI medication will lessen my symptoms, allow me to hold a decent conversation again, let me leave the house for anything other than work or basic errands and take other people’s terrible driving with better humour (the last one may never happen, drugs can only do so much). I am moving up from 1x 75mg to 1x75mg plus 1×37.5mg but I may end up on a flat rate of 150mg per day in the coming weeks, we will see. This is not a great post and the level of guilt I have about neglecting my blog is pretty high right now but in my current state of mind anything beyond this is a real stretch. If only modern medicine were simple like oh I don’t know rocket science.