Monday 25th May – 12.45pm
I have put off writing the final update for my medication change diary for nearly a month now. The whole time I was adding to this mental/digital box of information I was thinking I would be able to round up my experience with a neat ribboned package and present my findings. I guess the librarian in me loses this time as I am struggling to find or feel a real end point in my illness trajectory.
The weeks of nausea and unmanageable anxiety have lessened without a doubt but I have not been given the wonderful upspring of feel-good endorphins, health, well being and general life competency that I had hoped for. Also it looks like the change to venlafaxine hasn’t helped with my weight either, sigh.
I can report that I am feeling better than when I first switched. I think the levels of medication in my system are now up to the point where I can function and define anxiety thought over Lucy thoughts again. That is one of the main lessons learned over this medical trial; the medication helps me draw a line between ‘Lucy’ and ‘Bruce’ (the name I give to my anxiety, man I really need to sort my shit and write the blog about my anxiety naming scheme. It is pure genius)
The issues I continue to face can be put down to a tangled yarn basket of factors.
1. I am generally pretty fucking unwell a lot of the time. I am still unsure as to why exactly that is or what exactly is wrong with me. I’m paying plenty of my boyfriend’s hard earned teacher money to an important South African man to test me for obscure diseases and conditions in another attempt to work out why I’m so broken. Perhaps it’s Lupus? This isn’t an episode of House after all. Though I wish Hugh Laurie would turn up and tell me what is broken in my body and how I can fix it. Then perhaps he could sing me some old time blue grass. Dreams.
2. The conditions I do know I have come and go like a shit novelty train ride. They go nowhere, turn around and come back to show up again to the chagrin of everyone watching. My IBS is a daily annoyance which I often cannot explain, the anxiety and agoraphobia cause their own set of physical symptoms many of which seem to be similar to my other conditions symptoms ie nausea, bad guts in general, exhaustion, cramps, pain, swelling/inflammation, shooting pains, migraines, weight gain etc.
3. The many many medications I take are helping with the symptoms of what ever it is but not the cause. I have a drug for ever symptom, sometimes two but though they get me through the day (most of the time) they don’t stop the pain/illness coming back the next day.
4. The gel caps on the venlafaxine make me feel sick if I take them on an empty stomach meaning if I want to take them with my other meds I have to do it like a hobo junky but replacing heroin with golden syrup.
5. Illness gets in the way of the things I want to do. Currently I have about 40 ideas for blog posts, research, articles and submissions but I have about 1 day in 5 that I feel decent enough to get much done and the rest of the time it’s a struggle. Being sick is as boring and frustrating as teen fiction novels. These medication posts are bookmarks in the sand where I later plan to build something fabulous, when I have the energy and focus to do it properly.