Thursday April 16th – 10.30 am ish
Yesterday was a pretty bad day physically and brain-wise (anxiety, agoraphobia, panic attacks, the whole crew showing up). I’ve been struggling with headaches and nausea for a week or so which I was putting down to my IBS playing up and getting my period. Thankfully after having a chat with the lovely Elspeth (renowned fashion photographer and all-round good bitch) I realised in a moment of face-palming clarity that all my symptoms are just the side effects of starting on the Exfexor XR (venlafaxine or SNRI medication). The waves of nausea which seem to hit me after I have had anything to eat or drink had been really starting to worry me. I thought perhaps I was getting proper sick and my current stress/anxiety were taking a further toll on my general health. I’ve been doing a good amount of throwing up as well, not too much but sometimes the nausea gets too much and I end up crotched over the loo for far longer than I would like. After a very nice Japanese meal on Tuesday night I had a sudden full body feeling like all my digestive organs had gone hard and stopped working. I couldn’t work out what was wrong with me or what my body was in danger of doing but the fear that my whole body was off on a jaunt all of it’s own device was over whelming. I took some codeine and managed to struggle home, though during that journey I had to tell our guest to stop making me laugh so much because it a) hurt my whole crazy distended insides, and b) made me feel like I was going to piss my pants. Thank god I have such an understanding boyfriend or I would have had to ask to be left on the side of the road to stumble home which seemed a better option at the height of my panic than the 10 minute car ride I had to endure.
In addition to those unpalatable physical symptoms I have been experiencing some pretty horrid mental symptoms as well. Yesterday morning on my drive into work I felt so totally overwhelmed with life and existence in general I thought I was actually losing my mind. I didn’t see how in that state of mind I would be able to continue with my life as I wanted to lead it and had visions of being locked away in a lunatic asylum until I could more effectively gauge the level of danger I may be in more correctly. On the whole it was really fucking unpleasant.
After my chat with Elspeth, which began with my over emotional plee….
She told me that it took her 3 weeks to start to feel better but after that it was totally worth it.
My relief on hearing there was an end point to my crazy over the top brain was like ice cream music to my ears. So I only have 1 & 1/2 weeks left of this bullshit until I start to feel human again and start to see the benefits. Just knowing that all the feelings and bullshit I’m suffering through right now are down to something specific and that it will stop soon makes it feel achievable.
Today I am still feeling crappy but nowhere near the level of falling from the side of the planet I felt yesterday. My brain is racing like a greyhound on steroids after ever guilt trip bunny, every unpleasant conversation and ever negative thought my addled brain can come up with. I woke up at 4am this morning and worried about something stupid and had a pointless argument with myself for about half an hour before I managed to get back to sleep, a definite sign my body is not resting even when I’m asleep.
A normal, though unpleasant, email conversation I had to endure yesterday had me shaking all over for at least an hour. Today I have continued to deal with the same situation but managed to retain at least a bit of my composure and just cross my fingers that it will all be over soon.
So to try and wrap it up; I thought the shit bit would be coming off my old drugs but how wrong I was. This bit right here *points finger in own general direction* is the shit bit. I wasn’t even thinking that the symptoms I should really have been looking out for were to do with these meds but turns out they are. Vomiting is not fun or a good way to lose weight. Having other people to talk to about how shit this is and having them tell me they went through it too has made all the difference hence reinstating my belief that writing up this process is a good thing.
If I can help make one other person going through it feel a bit better because they knew I when through it too then well that’s a damn good thing and makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside with do-gooder-iness.
I have to stop now because typing is making me feel sick.