Sunday 12th April – 7.30pm
I’ve been told far too many times that I should be less hard on myself. Less critical of my abilities, achievements and productivity. I am four days into my new medication regime but due to the half dose and the limited level which has had the chance to build up in my body, the medication is no match for the behemoth that is “time of the month” anxiety. My body is now a battle field of pre-migraine, nausea, gloopy gut, hemorrhaging and emotional spastication.
All in all I feel shit. I swear every time I get my period my body flips the fuck out and declares all out war on my whole body. My body seems to just get super fucked off that I don’t have a baby in me. I treat the symptoms but otherwise I don’t seem to have much of a handle on it even after this many years.
With this in mind you’d think I would be able to let myself relax, perhaps focus more on getting better, resting and taking care of myself? You’d be wrong. The more sick I get be it period issues, IBS or anxiety the worse I am at giving myself a break. I put so much pressure on myself and adopt such pressure from others that it becomes a spiral of sickness. I know I am making myself sicker but there isn’t a whole lot I can do about it.
This weekend has been that kind of spiral; a big ball of getting fuck all done and feeling really angry about it to the point of making myself feel physically sick because I think I’m wasting my precious time.
I’m hoping that as the new medication builds up in my blood stream I might be able to lessen the pressure internally and hope to get to some sort of balance back. Or at least be able to stop crying about things like how much I love my cat or how terribly I will miss my boyfriend when he leaves the house for the afternoon.