Monday April 6th: 2pm
The date is a tad misleading as I’m writing up Sunday’s peopling attempts Monday and Tuesday because so much business has happened leaving little time for online introspection.
Easter Sunday was ear-marked as gaming day with our friends. We are lucky enough to live in a place (one of the positives of moving away from the relative convenience of the central suburbs and out to the shit ass of nowhere in Ranui) with a gorgeous paved patio area and a MASSIVE macracarpa table, big enough to sit 18-20 people comfortably. When we were looking at the house as a possible rental, the table and garden area where what sold it for me and sealed the deal.
On the day we had approximately 15 people, adults and children at our place to play board games, something my boyfriend and our friends are really keen on. I enjoy playing but as I am so non-plus when it comes to anything with a competitive requirement it will never beat binge watching TV in my PJ’s as a relaxation choice.
I knew every person who came which lessened the level of ‘new people stress’ I may have had to endure. The day it’s self went well until I attempted to play a game with some friends. My ability to take any form of jostling, direction, hurrying-up had decreased to nil so the second I was hassled for not reacting fast enough (a totally normal part of the banter which comes with games) I got totally stressed and my anxiety started telling me I was being attacked (which I knew was untrue) The level of unrealistic perceived persecution became too much for me so after that one game I just settled on watching and being the hostess.
Hosting in it’s self is not usually an issue either but when more than one person was talking to me I couldn’t managed and got totally stressed out. I found it mind-bendingly complex to help one person make coffee while someone else needed direction. For the first time this week I took half an Ativan just so I didn’t scream and run crying from my friends who were asking something as simple as where a spoon would be. I don’t think I wouldn’t have gotten through the day without crying if two of my closest friends hadn’t been there. They didn’t have to do anything much to help (one is so heavily pregnant I feared a person may fall out of her on the short walk to the bathroom at any moment) but just know they were there and not judging me made all the difference. Plus their babies are super cute and distractingly funny.
I learned that as I had before mentioned my ability to draw a line between the anxiety voices in my head and the real ‘Lucy’ thoughts is much less clear. Everything anyone says to me hits me like a full on insult or condescension leaving my patience fried like an over cooked piece of bacon, absent of all it’s bacony joy.
It didn’t help that by 11pm, when I was all tucked up in bed ready to go to sleep a massive wave a nausea came over me and I spent the next hour or so vomiting (loudly) in the bathroom. I felt rather bad because there was still my lovely boyfriend and two friends playing a game in the dinning room. Not the best sound track I could have offered.