Friday 3rd April – 12.30pm
It’s a beautiful morning, sunny breezy, Good Friday-y. Sadly I don’t feel festive. I don’t feel any joy about the condemnation and resurrection of Christ, Hell I’m not even that excited about Easter eggs.
What I do feel is anxious, ill at ease and generally sad. Like something bad has happened and I can’t quite remember what that thing was. I’m over reacting and feeling persecuted by friends. It’s generally rather yucky.
I’m very glad I don’t have to go anywhere or do anything today other than watch re-runs of Castle, some Archer and maybe do some gardening.
Something I am learning is that without medication it is harder to work out what is real fear and what is my anxiety. All the voices (not real voices I’m not going off the other end into a manic episode) sound the same now rather than more distinction between Lucy and “Bruce” the anxiety. My energy is still pretty low but that is just a normal thing with me. I had coffee, though very weak which made me want to move my body for a bit but may also cause me gut pain later.
The anxiety is all kind of blurring together and I’m realising again what it felt like to be un-managed or have the Bruce voices be unmanageable. It;s a bit like going tone deaf but to the tone of the anxiety in my head.