Tale of two shitters at the Stamford Hotel

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I recently took part in the scenes of jollification, mirth and merriment which marked the 30th year of my lovely friend  Ngaio’s existence.  Since we are now all grown-up and proper we celebrated with lady-like splurging on scones, mini sammiches and all-you-can-chug-sip (*pinkie out*) tea at the Stamford Plaza High Tea. Birthdays have always been a bit sucky for her as she was born on the day of hangovers, January 1st.  It’s a bit sad to try and celebrate the miracle of your birthing in to the world  when every one of your friends need to spend it vomiting, napping and eating cold pizza. But thankfully for her we are now old, a bit crap, our livers maybe don’t work so well anymore (me) and many (NOT me) have babies, so fewer late boozie night and more pretend-adult expeditions. Yay!

High tea in general is pretty shit hot. Getting all dressed up, hair did and make up just so, then sitting down with your mates (or your Mum) and talking utter bollocks while you eat layers of delicious tiny treats. Don’t let the lady-like tininess of the snacks fool you, there is a veritable mountain of food for the price.

The downstairs restaurant/bar area at the Stamford looks a lot like any other big hotel, lots of wood veneer, table lamps, random sparkly stuff and high ceilings.

Luckily for me (and for you Dear reader!) I came across two sets of toilets in the public bar and restaurant section so this will be a duel post with many photos.

Bathroom One; we’ll call it the “90’s attempt at luxury”, consisted of two rooms and a very weird marble walled corridor from the hall to the powder room. The corridor was a bit doorway to the crypt for my liking, so much faux marble made it feel cold and stuffy at the same time.

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The powder room had a slightly odd feeling as well, like it was well intentioned but never used. It felt by-gone and redundant but was still hanging in there like Madonna, still trying to pretend she’s 25 and not super gross in high-cut, crotch-lite leotards.

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The look of the stalls was very 90’s modern, a pine’n’tile combo which was  light, inoffensive and well just okay. There were 5 stalls in the ladies with plenty of sinks and enough mirror space for even the most energetic lipstick reapplication.

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There was nothing wrong with these loos, they functioned well and they were of a decent standard. I would be comfortable hiding in their marbley heart to calm my anxiety any day but they were not luxurious. It looked like they were the next thing on the list to be re-done but they hadn’t quite got to it yet.

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Bathroom two had been done up and looked more ‘it’s 2010 and we are luxury, you hear me??!!’

It was dark and moody with more polished modern finishings.

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I quite liked the cacti on black gravel, or did I just like the picture I took of them? Maybe.

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These bathrooms are nearer the front of the restaurant and are obviously the ones they would prefer you to use. The ladies had 3-4 stall and there was a disabled access toilet off the main corridor as well. The hand wash and lotions were nice quality and smelled purdy.

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Ratings!!!! Combined scores overall

Cleanliness :  8/10  90’s loo didn’t get as much attention as it maybe needed now it is in it’s declining years. The grout needed a damn good clean or refresh. The 2000’s loo may have been dirty but with all the black and dark tile who could tell?

Interior :  8/10  Plenty of stalls and disabled loos for REAL panic, the hand wash and lotions were nice and there were plenty of flowers about to remind you they cared about your feelings when going for a wee.

Exterior :  8/10  Sometimes in places like this it feels a bit like the Concierge may stab you with her eyes if you use their loo without being a customer but they all seemed pretty chill  at the Stamford and I don’t think they would mind you just popping in during an emergency.

Safety : 9.5/10  Lots of expensive looking people about but it didn’t feel creepy or judgey.

Snugglitude :  7/10 Had all the basics, they were OK in general. What they needed was a human touch or a bit of love to make them really good.                                               

Total :  40.5/50  I had more fun with my friends than in the toilets, but really is that such a bad thing?

Here is a picture of me in my pretty dress.

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