Burt is Back? Heron Park Public


Viewed from the adjacent kiddies playground there seemed nothing remarkable about the above set of concrete and stainless steel public toilets. In fact I had no plans to rate or even visit them while I basked in the warm January sunshine during Capt. Mal’s 1st birthday festivities. That was until a lady-friend from our party came back and stated that the toilets had talked at her. As I had no reason to believe she was in the midst of some form of psychotic episode (the toilets had refrained from telling her to murder every person she saw with exposed knees, so I knew we were relatively safe) I was keen to know more. On the wiff of a toilet blog lead I injected myself into their conversation because yes I am that brash and blunt, and asked to hear more.


It transpired that the creepy cubical had a variety of important life lessons to share such as “please push the button to lock the door” and “you have 10 minutes use” which I discovered required 100% adherence. Like an American drill Sargent non-conformity caused admonishment and angry beeping (that’s what happened in Full Metal Jacket right? Sargent Hartman beeped at Gomer Pyle?)


However the best was still to come. Once you lock the door to go about your business the cubicle busts out its sweetest moves and starts playing musak (elevator music) to lull your cares away. I got to pee to the dulcet tones of Burt Bacharach’s 1965 hit “What the world needs now” the instrumental version.

Now I’m pretty sure there are better things in life, winning a Nobel Prize, holding your new born baby for the first time, finding a cafe that makes the perfect Eggs Benedict but going wees to Burt Bacharach has got to be pretty high on the list. I got my sway on while I washed my hands and walked with an elated light step back to our group singing along with Burt and the swingin’ 60’s. I find myself singing along even now, a week later. Now that is some toilet experience staying power.

door panel

Life is filled with ups and downs, good days and bad but don’t forget that all of a sudden you may come across a groovy, slightly militaristic public facility and things will start to look just a little bit rosier.


Cleanliness : 6/10  It wasn’t very clean or particularly nice on the inside but it did have a back rest for when you are peeing but are just too tired to hold your back up straight (!?)

Interior : 6/10  Two single rooms rather than stalls so that was pleasant though the threat of expulsion after 10 minutes doesn’t fill me with calmness and joy. The toilet paper box was broken and the ‘touch free’ button was covered in germ ridden finger gunk so I don’t believe it is the most well serviced toilet.

Exterior : 7/10  The park its self is pretty and the loo is close enough to the playground for children and families etc. Parking was a tad hard to find so in a fluster it wouldn’t have been my first option if I hadn’t known where to go.

Safety : 8/10  During the day I would have no issue using this loo even alone. The area (between Waterview and Avondale) is nice and the bathroom is open so hard to feel snuck up on. I wouldn’t advocate hanging out alone in any parks (unless you’re a drug dealer or street working girl, hey no judgements) but this one didn’t feel too rapey and isn’t near a bunch of shady bars so may be ok if accompanied.

Snugglitude : 30/10  Because it’s my system and I can break the rules it if I want. FUCK YEAH BURT BACHARACH!!!

Total : 57/50  I’m not going to say this was my favourite toilet but everyone must experience a Musak playing public receptacle at least once in their lives.


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