Alicetown Public, panic attack times.


The thundering behemoth of 2014 concluded with some positive and some not so positive experiences. Its scaly, multi-nippled physique was topped off with a visit to the wonderful weather-changeable Wellington. The good – graduating from my Masters degree and therefore being able to wear my Batman cape all over Wellington city. The bad – trying to attend a dinner with friends but totally panicking my lady-balls off trying to take a public train, ending with me crouched in a bush crying.


On route to the aforementioned train station (less than 6 minutes walk from where we were staying meaning this was a super fast rising panic) I stopped at a public facility to try and calm my nerves, the Alicetown public bathroom on the corner of Cuba and Montague Streets.

Honestly it’s the oddest little free standing loo I have seen, a metal box with one unisex stall. When I was there the first time, panicking, I was met with a lovely collection of personal items belonging to a person of no fixed abode. Luckily I saw no syringes or bongs, just some clothing and basic debris though I did not investigate further.


It felt less like a council funded bathroom and more like someone’s garden shed on which I was interloping.




However the mirror was rather pleasing, it was so scratched up and gross that your reflection looked great no matter what! Can I hear you say silver linings?


On the whole this place was pretty bloody dire and I have to admit that even though I am a seasoned public bathroom user even I would hesitate to use this loo again. The door felt heavy and awkward which didn’t offer me the kind of quiet, dignified entrance and exit I prefer when I am totally freaking my face off with panic. Any little added attention raising element makes it feel worse, like twisting the knife. This bathroom afforded the user no dignity and offered only the most basic of services. If you can hold it, I would suggest you do.


Cleanliness : 4/10 Nope

Interior : 4/10 the gap under every wall was nice if you worried you’d get stuck in there (but only big enough for a child to squeeze under or a very very skinny crack addict) but otherwise very exposing and uncomfortable.

Exterior : 7/10 Positive – there is plenty of parking right next to the wee park island where this loo is placed and because it is yuck I saw NO ONE else use it the whole time I was there.

Safety : 2/10 I wouldn’t go there at night and if a toilet seat could give you herpes/Hep B I would be worried about this one.

Snugglitude : 2/10 It was there and that is about as kind as I can be.

Total : 19/50



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